There are nights when we wanna run free, let ourselves loose into the city and laugh and be reckless and for a while convince ourselves that there’s more than just the monotony. It’s one of those nights.
There are nights when we wanna run free, let ourselves loose into the city and laugh and be reckless and for a while convince ourselves that there’s more than just the monotony. It’s one of those nights.
Hi! I know I haven’t posted in so long. I’ve just been really busy. Anyway, it’s summer! Here’s a checklist of things I plan on doing (besides eating and sleeping):
P.S. It’s so hot. As in puta sobrang init pati pilikmata ko pinapawisan.
Love is unpredictable, and that is what’s most frightening about it - that it comes and goes like the harsh waves of the ocean. And yet, we submit to it. We let love take us out into sea and drown us in its waves and let the waters fill our lungs, fully aware that we might get spat back out to the shores after. Why? Because to love is in the nature of man. Because when you love somebody you submit yourself to them - you entrust in them your heart and therefore entrust in them your entirety as a person, and hope they won’t break you. Because when you love somebody you take them for who they are - it doesn’t matter what their past is, what matters is they love you now and you love them. Because when you love, you love. No questions asked.
This is where we began. I never thought I will even get to touch your hand, or even a part of your body, and all I can do is stare at you from a distance, and marvel at how beautiful you are, and that your eyes conceal a lot of secrets— secrets that I never thought you will share to me. I just stare at you and hold the longing within my heart, within my lungs, and within my soul— the longing to touch your hand, or your arm. All I wanted to do then is to look at you, and perhaps, approach you and talk about designs and movies and songs and people. You were so distant, then. So distant that I never knew we will be this close. So close that sometimes, only an inch separates our bodes; that sometimes, we were so close our eyelashes almost touch; so close, that our souls unite through our lips in the exchange of bodily heat and breaths.
We are so close and I hope we stay this way forever.
October 21, 2012.
But when I kissed you I felt what I’d thought didn’t exist. Warmth, life, love. First at the touching of our lips, then the contact of your skin with mine, bodies separated only by the thin fabric of our clothes. Then I felt it in my chest, a rhythmic beating that grew so loud I feared you’d hear it. I felt it in my veins, a rush of warm blood, filled with excitement and happiness and hope. And I felt it reach my fingertips, the same ones I used to caress your cheek as I pull away from the kiss.
It’s happening again. I feel lost. I feel empty. Several times a day I find myself staring into space, and in my mind is just… nothing. No sadness, no longing, nothing. My body feels tired. I find it hard to distinguish between days, even the most recent moments slip easily into a blurred past. It’s happened to me before and I don’t want it happening again. I try so hard to keep myself happy and positive but sometimes these things just happen. And what’s worse is I can’t stop it. It’s not gonna be like, oh I’m gonna watch a happy movie to forget about it or whatever, because it’s still there. You can try to fool yourself and bury it with with momentary joys but at the end of the day it’s still there, rotting, slowly eating you up like a cancer.
“I trust you,” I said as I touched the side of your face. You closed your eyes and smiled as I did this. We were on the edge of a cliff. Beneath us the ocean was violent, waves kissing the rocky shores with raw lust. The strong winds blew through your tangled hair and made the lace hem of your dress flutter like little butterflies. And it was with a smile on my face that I closed my eyes, and jumped. But as I opened them again, I saw that you weren’t beside me. I was falling. Standing, still at the edge of the cliff, you took one last look at me and then turned to walk away. I was falling. My vision blurred and body numbed, the cliff above me slowly blending into the gray sky. I waited for my body to hit the rocky shore, to be consumed by the ocean whose waves kissed with raw lust. I was falling.
Wabi-sabi (侘寂) is a Japanese aesthetic or perspective in which you accept and live by three basic truths: that nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent, and nothing is finished. Thus you find beauty in imperfection, and embrace the natural cycle of growth and death.
Every once in a while you come across something so beautiful - a book, a story, a poem, art, music, or even a person. Its beauty catches you off guard and is so powerful that it brings tears to your eyes. It gives you goosebumps just thinking about it. For a moment you’re filled with this amazing warmth, and for a moment you’re given hope. Hope that there are beautiful things out there, that amidst the sadness there is light, that things can and will get better.
I know I haven’t updated in so long. I have some posts in my drafts but I really don’t feel like posting them yet. However, I do think I owe it to y’all to give an update on my incredibly boring life. Let’s do it in bullets.
In other news, hi new followers! :))
Everything you have. Everything. You must know that one day, they’ll all be gone. Blown away, scattered by the wind. Taken from you, either by force or by time. Nothing is permanent.
I looked at you, and you smiled. The dark circles under your eyes hinted that you were very tired. I touched your face and you held my hand in place. You closed your eyes, as if to savor the moment. But I pulled away, because I had to. My heart was yours, as it forever will be. But your heart was never mine.
